I Never Let You Go Read online

  No. There’s that word again, the one that broke us the first time.

  It was only supposed to be one dance. He promised—another broken promise. Finn Reynolds seems to be full of them.

  I need to escape. I spin on my heels, leaving a trail of smoke in my path and Finn alone on the dance floor. I should’ve known…because all those “one mores” always turned into several more.

  Leaving my brother’s wedding in the middle of the reception without saying a word to everyone may be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. But when it comes to Finn Reynolds, I never seem to think clearly, which is why I’m changed out of my bridesmaid’s dress into old sweats and sitting on the couch alone with two things in front of me. A bottle of wine to drown out my thoughts as well as give me the liquid courage for what sits beside it—the box that has been in the back of my closet behind a stack of early-education college textbooks for ten years, even though I told my sister I threw it away. This box contains the pieces of our life together: photos, cards, movie stubs—everything that is Lo and Finn compressed into a shoebox.

  I slump back against the couch with my feet tucked underneath me, crisscross applesauce style, just like I do with my students. I swirl the wine in my glass in a circular motion while I have a staring contest with the inanimate objects in front of me that are screaming at me.

  After a large gulp of wine, I set the glass on the table and pull the box into my lap. The lid is decorated with hearts and the initials “LL & GR.” I run my fingers over the top and smile at how childish this looks. The hand-drawn hearts and stickers make this look like an art project my students would have made in art class. I try to even out my breathing as I lift the lid and look down at memories of a time when we were happy, a time when I was enough for him.

  I grab a stack of greeting cards out first, birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmases. The corners are worn with age, his chicken scratch signature signed on each one of these. I run my fingers over it as my vision blurs from the tears filling my eyes.

  I set the cards to the side before grabbing the photo on top of the pile. It’s a photo of Finn and me from our senior year. He is in his football gear, blue pants, and a charcoal jersey with his number five in blue, and me in my cheerleading uniform, a combination of charcoal, white, and blue with a giant blue bow in my ponytail. I hate that number five is still considered my lucky number.

  It was just after he won the state championship game, 47-21. Right after the final buzzer sounded, the crowd ran out on the field as the team cheered. I can close my eyes now and hear the roar of the stadium chanting the Bull Dogs and Finn’s name. I ran right to him and jumped into his arms. I first buried my face in his neck, squeezing him tight—that was when someone from the yearbook committee took this photo. I didn’t care about the disgusting smell of sweat and his safety pads; it was all Finn, my Finn. After our embrace, he pressed a searing kiss against my lips.

  I remember the day Finn begged the yearbook photographer for a copy of this photo. Of course, he quickly handed it over. Finn was the varsity quarterback, the golden boy—all he had to do was flash that award-winning smile and everyone would fall to his feet, me included. There was a reason he was voted best smile in our senior superlatives.

  That football field held so many memories for us. I bring the photo to my chest and close my eyes as tears begin to fall.

  “What are we doing here?” I asked as Finn parked his truck in the lot of our high school. “It’s a Saturday night. Are you trying to get us suspended?”

  Finn walked around the truck and opened my door. He grabbed my hand, linked our fingers, and pulled me against his chest. Finn reached into the back seat and grabbed a backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

  “It’ll be fine, Lo. Coach loves me. He wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize his star quarterback playing.”

  I scoffed as he began leading me toward the football stadium. “That’s funny since maybe said quarterback should be working more to make sure nothing jeopardizes him playing.”

  I bit my lip nervously, looking around as he led me toward the football field. Finn may have been a star player on the field, but I didn’t think that mattered being here on school property at night. As if Finn had sensed my hesitation, he stopped turned to face me. His palm cupped my check before caressing my skin with his thumb.

  “Do you trust me?” he breathed against my lips.

  “Always.” I smiled before he placed a quick kiss on my lips.

  “Good. I promise it will be worth it. And to ease your mind, I already talked to Coach Wilson, and he said as long as we promised not to do anything stupid on school property, we would be fine.”

  I relaxed into his touch and hoped that my heart rate began to slow. I wanted to ask him why he hadn’t started with that when we got here, but I chose not to.

  As we approached the gate, I noticed the lights on the field were on. Finn led us through the gate and out to the fifty-yard line. He set his backpack down and pulled a blanket out of it, laying it in front of us. He took a seat, spread his legs, and patted the spot in front of him for me to take a seat too.

  Even with the Coach’s permission, I wearily looked around one last time before settling between his legs. He pulled me closer so that my back was flush against his front and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

  I looked around and took in the peacefulness that the stadium held right now surrounding us. “Wow, this seriously is breathtaking out here.”

  Finn ran his nose along my neck, breathing me in. “Yeah, it is.” The heaviness of his voice led me to believe he wasn’t talking about the scene around us. He placed a small kiss against my pulse point before resting his cheek against the top of my head. “You know, this may be where I come to life each week, but you make me feel more alive than I ever did on the football field.”

  My breath stopped, and I gulped loudly. That might have just been the most romantic thing Finn had ever said to me. I was at a loss for words. I pulled back, resting the back of my head against his shoulder, and looked up at him the same time he looked down at me. Closing the distance, I locked my lips against his. The swipe of his tongue against the seam of my lips made me forget the world around us. I opened and lost myself in the kiss. I spun in his arms and linked my fingers around the back of his neck.

  After a few more moments, he broke the kiss, both of us breathing heavily.

  “As much as I want to continue doing that, I’m not sure I can keep my promise to Coach if we do. I might just take you right here.”

  My cheeks warmed and my panties dampened at his words, but he was right. The last thing we needed was getting caught out here doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing. I settled back into his lap, and he leaned back on his hands. I rested my head against his chest and allowed the silence to take over.

  It was a comfortable silence though, unlike the silence we felt at home since my dad left a few months ago. I stared up at the stars when Finn brushed a stray hair behind my ear.

  “So how’s your mom holding up,” Finn asked as he continued to play with my hair.

  My body tensed, but the feeling of having Finn this close eased me. “She’s okay. She’s getting by, I guess. It’s been tough.”

  Finn sat up, wrapped his arm around me, and placed a kiss to my temple. My grip on his arms tightened. I looked up at him. “Promise me you won’t ever hurt me like that. If there’s a time when I’m not enough…”

  Finn cut me off by placing his forefinger against my lips, stopping me from continuing. The tears blurred my vision.

  “There will never be a time when you aren’t enough, Lo. Do you hear me? It’s you and me. We have our entire future ahead of us.” He linked our fingers together and pulled our joined hands to his lips.

  I settled back into him. “I don’t care what the future holds as long as it’s with you.”

  We stayed there a little longer, wrapped in each other’s arms, talking about our future—together.

  Th
e sound of the front door slamming jolts me awake. I grab my head as I sit up groaning. When I finally open my eyes, my sister is standing there, arms crossed and a stern expression on her face. I sit up and place my head in my hands.

  “And here I thought our brother’s wedding was the big party last night.”

  “What are you doing here?” I groan at my sister while praying for the world to stop spinning.

  I hear Kate walk toward the couch, and it dips beside me. “Well, when you disappeared, after that hot as hell dance with Finn, I was worried, but I figured I would find you here. What I didn’t expect to see was this pity party for one.”

  “You saw that?” I peek through my fingers at her.

  “Lauren.” I feel the weight of her hand on my shoulder. “The entire reception could feel the tension coming off of you two, especially with the way you ran out of there, leaving him alone on the dance floor. Even I felt bad for the guy.”

  I sag back into the couch with guilt in hopes that it will just swallow me whole. I look up, meeting my sister’s eyes, “Are Dani and Kyler mad?”

  Kate twists her mouth as if she’s searching for the right words. “Mad? No. Concerned? Yes. We all are actually. If it makes you feel better, he left not long after you disappeared.”

  I let out a loud sigh because as much as I thought it would make me feel better, it doesn’t. “Did you know he was coming?”

  She shakes her head. “Honestly, none of us did. Trust me, we would have warned you. From what Mom said, Mrs. Reynolds didn’t want to show up alone, so he agreed to be her plus one. We were all as shocked as you were to see him.”

  It is still way too bright in here. I cover my eyes with my forearm not only to cover the bright lights but also because I can feel the tears coming on. Kate smacks my thigh, bringing my attention back to her.

  “How about I go make you some coffee.” She rises from the couch and heads into the kitchen.

  I narrow my eyes in her direction as she makes more noise than necessary. She knows where the coffee mugs are, so why she is slamming the cabinet doors just to get a rise out of me.

  I search for my phone and finally find it on the floor in front of me. I need some fresh air, so I grab it before following Kate into the kitchen and out to the back patio. On the Uber ride home, I didn’t trust myself with my phone, so I turned it off. Even though I changed my number, he possibly had the same one. No matter how much I have tried to forget his number, it’s engraved in my brain.

  Once turned back on, my phone dings with notification after notification of voicemails and texts from my brother, Dani, my mom, and sister.

  Kate: Where are you?

  Kyler: Did you really leave my wedding without saying goodbye?

  Kyler: Are you alive? Where are you?

  Mom: Sweetheart, I want you to know I didn’t know that Finn was coming. I promise. I hope you are okay. I love you. Call me tomorrow.

  Dani: We’re so worried about you. Are you okay?

  Dani: We are soooooo talking more about this when we get back.

  Dani: Also, why is my wedding day the first time I’m hearing about Finn?!

  I hate that I had kept this information from her, but I’m not even sure where I would have begun. I never thought I would see him again, let alone at my brother’s wedding. I wish I could have woken up and it had all been a dream. At least he doesn’t live here and I don’t have to worry about seeing him again.

  I decide to listen to voicemails later. Instead, I bring up my brother’s contact information and press Send.

  He picks up on the second ring, “Jesus Christ, Lauren, are you okay?”

  “Well, good morning to you too,” I laugh half-heartedly, but my smile falters when I hear Dani in the background asking questions. I’m sure she has plenty.

  “Babe, hold on,” he muffles into the phone. I laugh, picturing her pouting. There is a voice over the loudspeaker announcing a flight. They must be at the airport about to leave for their honeymoon.

  “Laur? You there?” He’s back on the phone.

  “Yeah, I’m here. Look, I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.”

  “I don’t even care about that anymore. I just want to know that you’re okay. You had us all worried.”

  “I’m sorry. It was…it was…” My hangover has me fumbling for words. “It was just too much.”

  Ky is silent for a moment.

  “You have to know we had no clue he would be there. I promise I would have told you.” I can hear the remorse in his voice.

  “It’s okay. I know. Kate is here and told me, and I had text messages from Mom saying the same thing.”

  “Dani says she saw you two on the dance floor.”

  I blush, remembering the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. My breath hitches for a moment. “Can we not talk about that? It was a onetime thing; it’s not like he lives here. I’m sure he’s already on a plane back to Seattle.”

  Kyler goes silent again. I hear Dani mumbling something but can’t quite make it out.

  “Yeah, about that. You know he said he lives here now. He’s taking over his father’s company.”

  “Oh.”

  “Flight 308 to St. Thomas is now boarding,” I hear over the loudspeaker.

  “Hey, our flight is about to board. I have to go, but I’m glad you called. You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Have fun on your honeymoon, and give Dani my love. And hey, Ky?”

  “Yeah?” I can hear him rustling around on the other end.

  “Congrats on getting married. I’m so happy for you two.”

  “Thanks, sis. We’ll talk more when we get back.”

  “Sounds good. Bye.”

  “Bye.” He hangs up, and I drop the phone but remember how he said that Finn now lives here.

  I spin around to face Kate, who is approaching holding out my favorite mug filled with coffee. Kate got it for me during my first year teaching. It’s a white mug with purple writing that says “Tears of my students” with teal teardrops around it. She thought it was a hilarious gift.

  My sister cocks her head to the side as I accept the coffee but stare out at nothing.

  “Everything okay?” she asks, and honestly, I’m not sure how to answer her.

  “Yeah.” I bring the mug to my lips and take a sip. “It’s just something that Kyler said on the phone just now.”

  Kate takes a sip and leans back against the retaining wall.

  “He said that Finn now lives here—that he moved back.” Kate avoids my gaze. “Did you know?”

  She looks down at the ground before looking back at me. She nods her head. “Last night, I was talking with Mom, and she mentioned it. I planned to tell you; I swear I did, but then when I walked in here and saw you a hot mess with dried mascara down your cheeks, and the memory box of you and Finn on the table…” She raises her eyebrows at me. “Yeah, I saw that on the table. I knew you would never be able to throw it away. I don’t know why you thought you could lie and actually think that I would believe you. You’re a terrible liar, Lauren.”

  I wipe under my eyes, and she laughs. We then settle back against the wall, sipping on our coffee.

  She is the first to break the silence. “So, how do you feel about that?”

  I turn to face her. “About what?”

  “About Finn now living here.”

  My shoulders slump, and I exhale. Kate has already called me out on my bullshit, so there’s no point in lying to her now. “You know, I don’t know.”

  Why didn’t he say something to me? Not that I gave him the chance to. Fuck, why did I run away like that? I owe him more than that. I owe us more than that. I begin to wonder how Finn actually feels about being back. He never wanted to take over his father’s company even though they were in similar fields. That wasn’t his dream. We talked about it all the time. But then again, being single still at thirty-two wasn’t my dream either. I guess life works out differently for u
s all.

  My sister makes a funny noise, and I come out of my thoughts and take in her appearance for the first time this morning. Her hair is a mess, and she is still in her dress from yesterday.

  “Wait, why are you still in your bridesmaid’s dress? That wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain attractive redheaded groomsman, would it?” I narrow my eyes at her, and she smirks devilishly.

  “Hey, the man may be annoying as hell, but he sure knows what the fuck he’s doing in bed. I’m going to go take a quick shower and raid your closet, and then wanna watch some movies?”

  I am still in shock at my sister’s confession. “Yeah, sure.”

  She nods and leans over, kissing my cheek before disappearing into the house. I take another sip of coffee and then rest the mug against my chin while allowing my thoughts to take over.

  Finn is back.

  Finn misses me.

  Finn wants more than one dance.

  Finn lied…again.

  It’s that last thought that forces me to push down any other emotion besides sadness over the other three thoughts.

  A throat clearing pulls my attention from the computer screen. I look up to find my sister, Kelsey, leaning against the doorframe with two cups of coffee in her hand.

  Please say one of those is for me.

  When I nod at her, she enters the office. “You know, when I agreed to let you stay in my guest room, I assumed that you might actually sleep there, but this morning when I went to check on you, all I found were stacks of unpacked boxes still and an empty bed.”

  “Yeah, I’ll get around to it, eventually,” I say, graciously accepting the coffee cup she hands me. It’s not a total lie, just the same excuse I tell her every time she brings it up.

  She rolls her eyes as she takes a seat across from me. I’m not sure I believe me either. It’s been almost a month since I moved back to the East Coast from Seattle. Nothing like being thirty-two living in your baby sister’s guest room. It was only supposed to be temporary while I find a place of my own. But I enjoy being there to help her and her husband, Chase, with my new nephew, Liam.