I Never Expected You Read online

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  I Never Expected You

  Copyright © 2019 by Stefanie Jenkins

  Editing by One Love Editing

  Proofread by CPR Editing at CPR Editing

  Cover Design by Net Hook & Line Design

  Interior Book Formatting by Clara Stone at Reader Central

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without written permission of the copyright owner except for the use of quotations in a book review.

  Independently published.

  To Amanda, BJ and Claudia,

  Zach wouldn’t be who he is today without you guys.

  Now go enjoy some chicken wings.

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Epilogue

  Also by Stefanie Jenkins

  Playlist

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  “Love enters your life when you least expect it. It barges in. Soothing fears you never knew existed... Breaking down barriers and laying claim your heart. Oh, when love comes... You’ll know.” - Phoenix Mode

  “I can’t believe you’re going to eat all of that,” Haylee, my sister Danielle’s best friend, says as she takes a seat beside me at the picnic table.

  My sister sets the tray piled high with food down in front of her. She takes a seat across from us next to Emmett, her boyfriend, who also happens to be my best friend and Haylee’s older brother. Emmett and Dani have been inseparable since they were thirteen. It might be weird for other people to watch their sister and best friend be together, but for me, it would be weird not to.

  Dani grimaces and looks down at her thin body. “Umm, no. Most of this is for Em and this jackass in front of me…” She points to me, and I hold my hand to my chest as if offended by the nickname. “…who claimed he didn’t want anything, but I know him better than he does, so I got extra.”

  I laugh because my sister is exactly right. Although now, I want to prove her wrong.

  “These, however…” Dani holds up a plate full of curly fries covered in cheese, and her eyes light up. “…are for me.” She grabs one of the fries and dances as she brings it to her mouth and lets out an over-the-top moan as she chews, forcing us all to laugh.

  “You’re adorable with how you get with your cheese fries.” Emmett places a quick kiss on her lips before reaching for one of the pit beef sandwiches, a staple when coming to a Maryland carnival.

  My mouth instantly waters at the smell of all the delicious food.

  “Take a picture, Zach. It’ll last longer. Or take that other sandwich off the tray because there’s no way I can eat them both. You know you want to.”

  He doesn’t have to tell me twice. I inhale the sandwich. I’m not even sure I taste it as I shove it in my mouth. I crumple the wrapper and place it back on the tray. My stomach now thanks me for filling it.

  “I can’t believe this is our last carnival together,” Dani says in between bites.

  Summer will be ending in a few weeks, and Emmett and I will be heading off to college at the University of Pennsylvania. It’s only a two-hour drive from where we live in Annapolis. Dani and Haylee will begin their senior year, and if all things go as planned, my sister will join us at UPenn next fall.

  “It’s not like we all won’t be back together next summer. We’ll come back. Coming to these carnivals is tradition.” Carnivals were never really my thing, but I enjoy the company. The four of us have been coming to the local firehouse carnival for as long as I can remember.

  “Dani’s right,” Haylee adds. “It just won’t be the same. Everything will be different.”

  She shrugs. Life might change, but we will always have each other.

  I reach over to snag a piece of funnel cake off Haylee’s plate, and she smacks my hand away. “Uh-uh, Mr. I’m Not Hungry. Go get your own. I didn’t wait in that line for this just to share.”

  I roll my eyes at her. The girl takes her funnel cake seriously. Haylee takes a massive bite of the sweet treat and gets powdered sugar everywhere.

  “Hey, Hails?”

  She turns toward me with a mouth full of food. “Huh?”

  A puff of powdered sugar smoke escapes her mouth.

  “You got a little something there.” I move my hand in a circular motion all over my face.

  “Real attractive there, sis,” Emmett jokes from across the table.

  “Thank you,” she mumbles in between chewing. “I plan to make some lucky man very happy one day.”

  Lord help the man who plans to marry her. I’d say he deserves a gold medal.

  “So, what next?” Haylee asks, throwing her empty plate in the trash. It’s rather impressive that she ate the entire funnel cake herself.

  “We can go ride some rides,” my sister suggests.

  “Ooh, how ’bout the Zipper,” I call out. That ride is my favorite.

  All color has drained from Haylee’s face, and her eyes are wide. “Oh, hell no. You know I don’t do heights.”

  There are not many things this girl is afraid of, but heights are at the top of her list.

  “What about the Tilt-A-Whirl?” Haylee rubs her hands together in excitement.

  Meh, that ride always makes me dizzy.

  “Why don’t we play some games? They have the water gun balloon game over there. That’s always fun.” Em points over his shoulder in the opposite direction.

  “Oh look, there is a new fun house this year,” Dani shouts.

  “Those things are stupid. They’re so easy to get through.” I sigh. A fun house? Those are for kids.

  “I bet I could beat you through there.” Haylee stands up straight with an intensity in her eyes that I see when she gets competitive.

  Now, this just got interesting. Haylee and I are never ones to back down from a dare or a bet, and she knows I can’t refuse.

  I step up to Haylee and stare down at her. “Oh, it’s on. Winner gets to pick the ride, and when I win, we will be going on the Zipper.”

  Haylee extends her hand, and I take it.


  “Deal,” we both say at the same time.

  “Here we go again.” Dani rolls her eyes.

  “Oh, this is gonna be good.” A mischievous smile comes over my best friend’s face as he tugs my sister’s arm, pulling her closer to his chest.

  Haylee and I both take the positions at the fun house entrance.

  “The first one to the finish line wins,” Haylee explains. “Ready. Set. Go.”

  Seventeen minutes later, Dani and Haylee are in one cart, and Emmett and I have crammed into another on the Zipper. I love my best friend and all, but I don’t think I need to be this close to him. As the ride begins to take off and the carts begin to spin, I hear Haylee’s screams from the cart in front of us.

  “I hate you, Jacobs!”

  “You know she’s going to knock you on your ass when the ride is over, right?” Em says, shaking his head.

  “Yup,” I say in between my laughter.

  It was so worth it.

  The sound of “Fix You” by Coldplay, my brother’s favorite band, plays through my earbuds to drown out the silence that fills my house these days.

  It’s been five weeks since my brother, Emmett, was killed in a car accident in Philadelphia. He was on his way back to his apartment from the library to meet Dani, who had driven up there to surprise him for the weekend. However, he never made it back home.

  The funeral is over. The people are gone that have been filling my house the past few weeks delivering food, giving their condolences, and keeping us company. It’s not death that’s hard; it’s what comes afterward, the silence, that is deafening. How am I supposed to move on from life without my brother?

  I’m lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. It’s been a struggle to get out of bed lately. What’s the point? If I do have the strength to get out of bed, I’m in my best friend’s bed, grieving with her.

  I close my eyes and allow the lyrics to consume the hole in my heart. Alone in my room, I don’t have to hide my pain and sadness. I don’t have to be strong for my parents, best friend, and others. I allow the tears to freely flow down my cheeks.

  I have so many questions racing through my mind, but the biggest one that will never get answered is, “Why?” Why him? Why did my brother have to die at only eighteen? He had his whole life ahead of him.

  I stood in front of the crowded church, my grip tight on the paper as I laid it flat against the stand. I blinked back the tears. I needed to get through this. Why did I tell my parents I would give the eulogy?

  “Emmett Hanks was…” I paused at having referred to my brother in past tense. I wasn’t sure that was ever something I would get used to.

  I began again. “Emmett Hanks was a son to two of the best parents anyone could ask for. He was a big brother, a boyfriend, and a best friend. Em was a strong athlete. I used to joke with him saying he was born with a lacrosse stick in his hand. When he loved, he loved with all his heart.”

  I looked in Dani’s direction, but thankfully, she was looking down at her hands. I knew if my eyes connected with her and I saw how broken she was, I would lose it.

  “It was something I admired so much about him. Emmett wasn’t just my big brother; he was my teacher, my hero, my protector. He fought off the boogeyman, kept away the monsters under the bed, and even chased away the boys he said weren’t ever good enough. He held my hand in the dark and walked with me by my side. I know he will do that still. I just won’t be able to see him.”

  A twinkle of color caught my attention, and I stared above the crowd at the reflection of the sun shining through the stained-glass windows illuminating the church in bright, bold colors, just like my brother had in a room. His smile was infectious.

  He was here.

  A happy memory hit my brain, and I completely forgot about the rest of my speech.

  “One summer…” A smile hit my lips as I remembered it clear as day. “We were out riding bikes with Zach and Dani, and there was this big hill in our neighborhood. I think we were maybe seven and eight. When I drove past the hill the other day, it was just a tiny bump in the road, but to a little kid, it was a mountain. The four of us just stared at the hill. Zach and Dani, both fearless, raced down the hill first. I held back—I was terrified. Emmett looked over at me.” I closed my eyes and could hear my brother’s voice in my head. “He said, ‘Be brave and fearless, Hails. I’m right here beside you.’”

  How was I supposed to be brave and fearless without him here?

  “I adjusted my helmet and began to pedal. As soon as we reached the bottom, he jumped off his bike and ran to hug me. ‘You did it. You’re so brave.’ He may have thought I was brave, but it was only because I had him there.”

  I caught my breath and gave one last look around the church. “When you see a beautiful sunset, or the wind blows, or maybe you even hear a special song, know it’s my brother there, telling you to be brave. He is right there with us.”

  I crumpled the paper and walked back to my seat, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I took my seat and closed my eyes while Zach took the podium and began to read the poem “The Dash.” Dani reached for my hand, and I held it tight.

  I needed to be brave, today and the rest of my days.

  Today, we are going to the apartment Emmett shared with Zach to pack up his things. My mom doesn’t feel up to doing this; most days she doesn’t feel up to doing anything. Kelly, Dani and Zach’s mom, is staying here with her while my dad, me, Dani, and her dad, Adam, go. We can each pick what we want to keep, and the rest will be boxed up and brought back here. One day, I will help my parents go through it.

  How can we just pack up his life in boxes? How do I know what to keep and what not to? Something that meant the world to Em, which might under normal circumstances mean nothing to me, now means everything because it’s all I have left of him.

  I squeeze my eyes shut as the music gets louder to try block out the memory of my last trip to Philly. It’s not the thought of the drive there that threatens to crush me, but what came after.

  “We did everything we could.” Those five words will forever be instilled in my brain. The words that I will always associate with the night I lost my brother. The words I replay in my head over and over again.

  That night, I had to say goodbye to my brother. A simple word: goodbye. I’ve said goodbye to my brother a million times before when I knew I would see him again. How am I to say goodbye this time, knowing I won’t?

  My bedroom door opens, and my dad peeks his head in. I pull the earbuds out of my ears.

  “Sorry, sweetheart. I knocked, but you didn’t answer.”

  My dad is like me, red-rimmed eyes and pale skin. It’s as if the day he lost his son, the life was sucked straight out of him. I know that’s how I feel.

  I sit up on the bed and wipe my eyes. “It’s okay. What’s up?”

  “The Jacobses are on their way. Adam ran to pick up more boxes, so we will be getting on the road as soon as they get here.”

  “Okay, I’ll change and be down in five.” I give him a weak smile.

  He nods and closes the door behind him.

  I shuffle off the bed and place my phone and earbuds on the nightstand next to a photo of Zach, Dani, Emmett and me from this past Thanksgiving, the last time the four of us were all together. I pick up the frame and focus on the smiles on our faces. Will the three of us ever smile like that again? I set the frame down when the tears threaten to break free.

  I quickly change my clothes and make my way down the steps the same time the front door opens. I watch as Kelly Jacobs enters the house and walks straight to my mom. She pulls Mom into a tight embrace, holding her up. I am thankful that my mom has a best friend like Kelly to help her through this.

  Speaking of best friends, where is mine?

  I walk out the front door toward the Jacobs family minivan and see Dani sitting in the back seat staring at our house. She hasn’t been here since before the accident. It’s too hard for her, she says. Sometimes I wonder if she forgets we
’re all going through the same tragedy.

  “All set?” Dad asks as I approach my door.

  I shrug. All set for what? To pack up my brother’s things? I’m not really sure that is something I can prepare for. I know we don’t have to do this today. Zach said that he didn’t plan to get another roommate and that Em’s belongings could stay as long as we needed them to, but my dad thought this would be a good part of starting the healing process. We all deal with grief differently; being proactive is his way, I guess.

  I take a seat next to Dani and buckle my seat belt.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey,” she responds, but doesn’t take her eyes off my house as we pull out onto the road.

  Small talk fills the ride. Dani doesn’t add much to the conversation, just blankly stares out the window. Before I know it, we are pulling into the parking space marked for guests. Dad and Adam take empty boxes out of the trunk. Boxes that soon enough will hold the last of my brother’s things. Silence takes over as we make our way to the main entrance.

  I notice Dani stopping in front of the empty parking space next to Zach’s Jeep—my brother’s parking spot. My chest begins to tighten, and I see her frozen in place with her eyes squeezed shut. I slowly walk over to her, her eyes still closed, and grab her hand. She jumps slightly, but I try to give her a reassuring nod. She returns a smile, but it quickly fades as she looks over her shoulder at the empty spot. I realize I need to take the lead and begin the walk to the entrance. Her hand remains in mine the entire way to the apartment door. With my best friend by my side, I can get through this.