I Never Let You Go Read online

  I run my hands over my face and blow out a breath. “Yesterday was Dad’s birthday. The first once since he’s died.” Saying that still feels bitter on my tongue.

  I hear her slight gasp.

  “It’s been difficult.” We begin to talk—or, well, I begin to, and she just listens. That’s one of the many things I miss about her. Since the first night we met, it didn’t matter what the subject was, Lauren was always ready and willing to listen to me vent.

  I tell her how I buried myself in work instead of being there for my mom and sister, not only not going to the cemetery, but avoiding dinner at Mom’s. I open up to her about things I haven’t shared with anyone before. Conversation with her comes easily. Why couldn’t it have been this easy for me to talk to her about my feelings after she had turned down my proposal?

  Her voice is soft. “Can I ask what happened?”

  “It was a heart attack.” I close my eyes and relive the moment I got the call that changed my life forever.

  “Hey, Kels, what’s up?” I answered when I saw my sister’s face light up my phone.

  “Finn?” Her voice was broken and fragile.

  “Kels, what’s wrong?” I knew something wasn’t okay. Was it Chase? Was it the baby? Nothing ever could have prepared me for the two words she spoke next.

  “It’s Dad.”

  “What do you mean? What happened? Why are you upset. Talk to me.” My heart began to beat erratically while she tried to share whatever she called to tell me.

  “He…he…he had a heart attack,” she managed to say just above a whisper.

  “He’s okay though, right? What hospital is he at?”

  “Finn, stop. Listen to me. He didn’t make it.”

  “What?” I didn’t even recognize my voice.

  “He’s gone.” Her voice trembled.

  I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair, yanking on the ends. “No, you’re wrong. You’re wrong, Kels. I just took him and Mom to the airport this morning. He can’t be—”

  I heard a loud bang like the phone falling to the floor and my sister’s loud sobs.

  “Kels? Kelsey!” I shouted into the phone.

  There was some shuffling around on the phone before a deep voice spoke that I recognized to be Chase’s. “Finn? Are you still there?”

  “Chase, what the fuck is going on? Tell me that my sister’s wrong. That my dad’s not—” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it.

  “I wish I could.” I heard the sadness in his voice, and I knew this wasn’t some sick joke. “The plane had to make an emergency landing in Chicago. By the time they got to the hospital, it was too late.”

  My stomach churned, and I reached the kitchen sink just in time to release all the contents of my stomach. Fuck. I was at a loss for words. My dad was…dead.

  “Your mom needs someone to meet her in Chicago while they prepare his body to be transferred back here.”

  “I’ll be on the next flight out. How’s my mom doing?” That was a dumb question. She just lost her husband—how the fuck did I think she was doing? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to imagine what it would feel like to have to say goodbye to Lauren forever, and it’d been years since she’d been in my life. My stomach threatened to turn on me again, but I managed to keep it down.

  “She’s a mess. We were supposed to pick them up from the airport soon. Fuck!” My sister’s sobs got louder, and I could hear Chase whisper soothing words to her. “It’ll be okay, baby. It’ll be okay. I’m right here.”

  How could it be okay though? I wasn’t ready for this. My dad was my hero, always there for me, and the greatest man I knew. I had just spent the weekend with my parents, laughing and joking with them, and now my dad was just gone, forever.

  “Chase, thank you.”

  “Yeah” was all he said back. There was an unspoken understanding that the thank-you was for being there to hold my sister when I couldn’t. But who was there to keep me together? What I wouldn’t give to hear the comfort of Lauren’s voice, to have her here while I faced my new reality. I couldn’t do this alone, but I had to.

  “I’ll be in touch with flight info.” I disconnected the call as I slid down the wall to the floor with my legs pulled to my chest and sobbed.

  When I finally finish sharing, the ache in my head is still there, but the weight on my shoulders has lightened. Lauren has also scooted closer to me on the couch. Our thighs are almost touching, and her hand is covering mine.

  We sit there in silence; her thumb is swirling circles along my skin in a calming motion.

  “So, I’m still curious as to how you ended up here?”

  More pieces of last night begin to come back to me.

  “Come on. Let’s get you home, what do you say?”

  “Home. There’s only one place I consider home.”

  That explains how I got here versus my sister’s house, but do I tell Lauren that? Honesty is the least I owe her for taking care of me.

  “I guess I was in a bad place, and there was only one person I could think of that might be able to heal the pain.”

  Her thumb stops moving against my skin, and I worry that she will back up out of my grasp and tell me to get out for my honesty; instead, she surprises me.

  “Do you want some coffee?” she asks politely, trying to hide the tears she is wiping away.

  I nod. “Coffee sounds great.”

  She walks into the kitchen. I stand and look around the room. When I was first at her place helping with the kitchen sink, I didn’t get a chance to really look around. I see photos on the walls of her, Kate, Kyler, and his new wife, along with others I recall from the wedding.

  Something catches my eye, and I walk to the other side of the room. How did I not notice this of all things the last I was here? I run my hands over the old wooden bookshelf, and my heart squeezes. I had made her this bookshelf. It was the very first project I made for her, and I can remember moving it into our shared apartment.

  I wonder when she moved out of there and into this place.

  Lauren has always loved books, and she needed a place to house her collection. Of course, back then, there were fewer books and more frames holding the memories of our own love story. I look at the books on the shelves, and I notice there are a lot of Belle Willis books. I pick one up and read the back of it. Hmm, a book about an MMA fighter falling for a baker. Interesting.

  “She’s my favorite.” I jump at her soft voice. Lauren walks over and joins me by my side. She hands me a coffee mug, and I hand her the book. She smiles at it before placing it back on the shelf.

  “I see that.” I take a sip of the coffee, and this is heaven. Did she remember exactly how I like my coffee?

  I must have a shocked look on my face because Lauren responds, “Oh, I’m sorry, do you not take your coffee like that?”

  “Oh no, it’s perfect.”

  She nods and turns back to look at the bookshelf. I watch Lauren as she takes in all the books, longing for something almost.

  “I’ve read all of them,” she openly admits as I turn to the twenty-some books on her shelves, “some even more than once.” Honestly, I’m not surprised.

  “You always did love reading.” I face her, leaning against the shelf, and hold her gaze.

  The smile on her face falls for a second, and if I wasn’t staring at her, I might have just missed it. She takes a deep breath, and I choose to hide behind my coffee like a coward. “Reading gives you an escape without ever leaving the couch. I can get lost in someone else’s happily ever afters since not everyone gets them in real life.”

  She can’t honestly believe that. I step closer to her, and her eyes lift. They are full of pain—pain that I put there. I cup her cheek with one hand and run my thumb along her cheek just as she had done. “Lauren…”

  I try to continue, but she straightens her shoulders and steps out of my reach. I realize the walls that had broken down this morning are quickly rebuilding themselves up, but what she does next
surprises me.

  “Here.” She holds her hand out in between us. “Give me your phone.”

  I reach into my pocket and pull my phone out, unlocking it before placing it in her hand. She types a few things out and hands it back to me. I look down and see she made a new contact on my phone. Her. I can’t hide the small smile that appears on my lips.

  “You know, in case you ever need a place to crash again, you can give me a heads-up instead of scaring the shit out of me on my front porch.” I hear the playfulness in her voice. I stare down at the number until the screen goes black. This is something, a step in the right direction for us. I slip my phone back in my pocket, and my eyes lift to meet hers. For the first time in a long time, her smile reaches her eyes around me.

  She shifts on her feet. There is no denying the pull between us. “How about I go change, and I can drop you off at your car. You do know where you left it, right?”

  I nod. “That sounds great.” She turns and heads to the stairs as I take another sip, finishing my coffee.

  She pauses at the base of the stairs. “Oh, and you owe me a new rosebush, by the way.”

  I scrub my hands over my face in embarrassment, but when Lauren’s laughter reaches my ears, the tension I felt disappears. She’s clearly not mad, but more amused. She doesn’t give me a chance to say anything before she runs up the stairs.

  Once in the safety of my bedroom, I softly close the door and relax against it. Taking a few deep breaths, I gather my thoughts of the morning. As Finn talked about his dad, my heart broke for him and his family. I had to fight the urge to crawl into his lap and hold him just as he had all those years ago when my dad left. Of course, the big difference is that my dad left by choice. And then I shocked myself by giving Finn my number.

  I could get lost in my thoughts all day, but Finn is downstairs by himself. I push off the door and walk over to the dresser, pulling out a pair of jeans and a random T-shirt. I even grab a fresh pair of underwear because, let’s face it, after that moment in front of the bookcase, they were ruined. I quickly change and brush my teeth.

  I come downstairs with my keys and purse in hand to find an empty living room. “Finn?” I call out, but no answer. Did he leave? I pop my head in the kitchen, and he’s not there either. Where did he go? Maybe this was just all too much. I hear water running out front. I open the front door to find Finn standing there watering the rosebush he had thrown up over. I watch him, and the feeling of having him at my house, watering or, well, rinsing the flowers, feels right and routine, and that scares the shit out of me.

  He glances over his shoulder. “Sorry”—he grimaces—“about the roses. I feel like an ass.” He finishes up and sets the hose back down. “Ready to go?”

  “Yep.” I close the front door behind me and lock up. Finn leads me to the car, and before I can reach for the door handle, Finn grabs it, opening the door for me. I swallow thickly. “Thank you.”

  He just nods and closes the door before walking around to the passenger side.

  When I start the car, “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston jams through the speakers, startling us both. I quickly turn the volume down to a reasonable level and squeeze my eyes shut.

  Finn’s laughter fills the car. “Still like to rock out, huh?”

  I shrug, not denying anything, as I back out of the driveway. What can I say, I enjoy my windows down and music loud, even during colder months—then I just crank the heat up. Finn directs me to the bar where his truck is parked.

  “Did I do or say anything else last night?”

  I’m thankful that my focus needs to stay on the road. I chew on the inside of my lip, wondering if now is the right moment to ask about what he said before passing out. But I’m too much of a coward to find out if it wasn’t me he was talking about, so instead, I just say, “Nope, you passed out as soon as I got you on the couch.”

  He nods but stays silent the rest of the ride to the bar. Does he remember what he said and know that I was just lying?

  As I turn into the parking lot of the bar, a familiar piano key begins to play. I slowly bring my gaze to Finn, and he is staring intently at the stereo as if he’s lost in the same memory.

  Kate and I were laughing with friends at our table when strong arms wrapped around my shoulders.

  “Hey, beautiful,” he whispered in my ear. I spun in his arms to look up at him. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

  I shook my head. He had been chatting with some of his football buddies, so I had joined Kate back at our table.

  “Come on, let’s dance.” Finn led me out to the center of the dance floor as the music switched from a fast-paced song to a slow song. I wrapped my arms around Finn’s neck, and he pulled me closer, his hands sitting just above my ass.

  “Have I told you much I love that dress?” Finn glanced down, and I followed his gaze. With my arms like this, my boobs had pushed together at the low v neckline. I felt my cheeks and chest flush.

  “You know you clean up pretty nice yourself.” I ran my hands over his purple tie that matched the color of my dress.

  He pinched his thumb and forefinger under my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Lo,” he began. There was an intensity in the air that surrounded us. We stopped dancing so that he could say whatever he needed to say. “I love you.”

  My eyes widened and jaw dropped. “You—you love me?”

  “Yeah. I think maybe I’ve kind of loved you since we met, but I didn’t know it yet,” Finn admitted honestly. “I get it if you don’t feel—”

  I quickly unhooked my hands from the back of his neck and grabbed his face in my hands. I smashed my lips against him, and his shock gave me the perfect opening to slip my tongue in his mouth. After a few moments of getting lost in our kiss, I pulled back, realizing I still needed to say it back. Not because I felt pressured to, but because I did. And maybe he was right—I had always felt something for him, but I knew now that that feeling was love. He leaned down, resting his forehead against mine.

  “I love you too.” Just saying those three words to him made me feel different. It was like nothing could break us apart. A stampede could have run through the spring formal right now, and we would still have each other.

  His face lit up as he processed my words and kissed me again—this time, just a brief peck before he pulled me even closer to him. With my head now pressed against his chest and Hoobastank’s “The Reason” playing in the background, Finn held me in his arms in the middle of the dance floor, and I didn’t stop smiling the rest of the night.

  We sit there listening to the entire song, lost in memories. The car is so thick with tension that we should roll the windows down to air it out. Did someone turn the heat on in the car? It feels like it just got hotter in here all of a sudden.

  When the song changes, Finn clears his throat and reaches for the door handle, but he doesn’t leave just yet. Our eyes meet, and I see that same look in his eyes I had the night of the spring formal. It’s as if he wants to say something but is too nervous about the outcome.

  “Thank you.”

  That’s all he says before exiting the vehicle and walking over to his truck. I stare at him for a moment, watching the way his jeans fit snugly around his firm butt before I pull off. I don’t know what he was thanking me for: not kicking him out, taking care of him, listening to him talk, or even just the ride home. It could be for any one of those reasons. As I head back home, I know that things have shifted for us at that moment.

  After I dropped Finn off at his truck, I busied myself for the rest of the weekend. It flew by, and it’s already Monday. I can’t get our conversations out of my head, and it’s beginning to mess with me. Is being friends with Finn a good idea? We were friends once before all those years ago, but could we be friends now after everything we’ve been through? I, at least, wanted to try.

  There’s a knock at my classroom door. I look up from my desk, expecting to see my boss or another teacher but find a deliveryman hol
ding a vase full of flowers.

  “Umm, hi, I have a delivery for a Ms. Lauren Lawson,” the delivery guy says, looking down at his clipboard. “The main office directed me here.”

  I rise from my chair and look around my classroom, thankful that the kids are in gym class. “I’m Lauren.” Who is sending me flowers?

  He points to where I need to sign, and I accept the vase. I bring the array of pink roses, my favorite, to my nose and inhale their sweet scent.

  “Wow, those are beautiful.” I look up to find my sister-in-law standing in the doorway the delivery guy just exited. “Who are they from?”

  “I don’t know. They were just delivered, from someone who knows I prefer pink roses to red.” I walk back over to my desk and set them down in search of the card. I open the envelope and pull the card out. My mouth flies to cover my mouth as I recognize Finn’s sloppy chicken scratch handwriting.

  “Lo, it’s not a rose bush, but it’s a start. Thank you for everything the other day. - Finn.” I chuckle and feel Dani’s presence reading over my shoulder.

  “Thank you for everything the other day, huh?” she questions, leaning against my desk with my arms crossed and her eyebrow quirked.

  “It was nothing.”

  “Nothing that prompted him not only having flowers delivered but—” She snatches the card out of my hands and faces it toward me. “—he handwrote the card, so he didn’t just order them online.”

  I change the subject even though I know she has more questions.

  “So how are you feeling, mama? We didn’t get to talk more the other night at dinner.”

  A glowing smile appears on her face from ear to ear at my nickname. Her hands drop to her still-flat stomach, although I assume with carrying twins, it might not be flat too much longer. I remember seeing photos of my mom when she was pregnant with Kate and me, and she popped pretty early. “I’m good—tired, and keeping things down is a little tough. I ended up being later to work this morning because of the morning sickness. Although I have no clue why it’s called morning sickness when it can last all day long.” She winces at the thought of vomit, and while I usually would too, I glance over at the roses and end up letting out a laugh thinking back to Finn puking in my bushes.