I Never Let You Go Page 16

  “Well, I guess I’ve gotta work things out, but looks like we’re headed to the East Coast. You want a beer? We can throw some dogs on the grill, unless you’d rather go out.”

  “No, this is perfect. I’ve missed this.”

  “Me too. I’ll set up the guest room for you, although I have a feeling someone might make you sleep in his room.”

  I smile, looking at my godson. “I’ve slept in worse places.”

  Jax slaps his thighs before rising and laughs. “That is very true. Remember that conference we went to in San Francisco and I found you passed out in our bathtub?” Not one of my finer moments.

  I follow him to the kitchen. He reaches into the fridge, grabbing two beers for us and a juice box for Andy. Andy settles in his seat at the table, and Jax hands me my beer. He leans up against the counter and twists the cap off. Jax and I both take a swig of our beer. “So, now that we’ve figured out my future and you’re dragging my sorry ass back to the East Coast, you wanna tell me what’s going on with you and Lauren? And don’t tell me nothing. You think I didn’t catch how you said ‘you and Lauren’ are there. You look good, different—happy.”

  I figured he caught that, but he showed no sign of interrupting my earlier pitch. Saying “Lauren and I” felt natural. I can’t help but hide the smile on my face that Jax notices a difference in me. It’s a much better feeling than him finding me blackout drunk the night Lauren changed her number and he had to drag me into the shower to wake me up. This man has seen me at my worst; I look forward to him seeing me at my best.

  “Things are going good. Well, I hope.”

  “You hope?”

  “No, I don’t mean that. Shit.” I take a swig of my beer and grip my neck.

  Andy gasps from the table. “Daddy, Uncle Finn said a swear word. He owes me twenty-five cents.”

  “Still working that swear jar, huh?” I look up at Jax, who is laughing.

  “Yeah, at this rate, I’ll have his college fund fully paid for by the time he’s ten.”

  I throw my head back in laughter. My best friend did always have a potty mouth. But if there was one person who had a worse mouth than him, it was Courtney. I think she was a sailor in a previous life because that girl knew how to curse.

  “Sorry, buddy.” I reach into my pocket and actually happen to have a quarter. “Here you go.” Andy hops up from the chair, snatches the quarter, and runs out of the room.

  “No running,” Jax shouts.

  Jax extends his hand for me to sit, and I catch him up on the latest saga that is Finn and Lauren.

  “Lauren, I know exactly what I want and when you figure out what you want, call me. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Until then…”

  I replay Finn’s words in my head over and over again. And don’t even get me started on that kiss. It was too much, yet not enough at all. I barely slept last night replaying our time that we’ve been spending together. All morning I was robotic, just going through the motions. I smiled for my kids, but on the inside I was torn.

  Why did I say “I don’t know?” That kiss was enough to remind me he is what I want, but what’s stopping me? How can I just go all in when we have been so focused on moving forward and getting to know who we’ve become that we haven’t talked about what happened in the past. How can we move on from that? Will he hold the fact that I said no against me?

  Today didn’t feel the same without hearing from him at all. He said he would give me time, but deep down I had hoped he would have pushed me off the tightrope, knowing that he would be there to catch me. There were no flowers, no coffee, no surprise visits, just me alone in my thoughts.

  By the end of the day, I was so caught up in my own head that for the first time ever I blew off dinner with my family, claiming I was sick, so I’m not surprised when I hear the front door open and my sister’s voice coming from the living room. “Hey, I picked up some chicken noodle soup for you.” I need to take her key back.

  “Hey, you don’t look sick to me.” She approaches, feeling my forehead with the back of her hand.

  I cross my arms over my chest. “That’s because I’m not.”

  She takes my hand, pulling me over to the couch. “What’s up with you. Bad day at work? Is everything okay with you and Finn?” At the mention of Finn, the mask that I put up all day begins to fade.

  “Finn and I went out last night, and we had a really great time.”

  “Oh, I see where this is going. You guys banged it all out, didn’t you. Is your vagina exhausted?” She wiggles her eyebrows at me. I would usually laugh, but I need her advice.

  “No, that’s not it.”

  “Oh.” She elongates the word as if it were riding a roller coaster. “He sucks in bed now after all these years. Damn, that’s a shame.” I know she is just trying to cheer me up, but it’s doing the opposite.

  “Kate, stop! Will you just listen to me for once without cracking jokes?” I raise my voice.

  “What’s wrong, then? Talk,” she responds, opening her hands as if giving me the floor.

  “Finn and I had a great time. We went to dinner and then the batting cage where I kicked his ass.” I smile at the memory.

  “Atta girl!” Kate playfully punches me in the arm, and I give her a stern look. She holds her hands up innocently, mouthing, “Sorry,” so I continue.

  “Things just were going so well, and it was like we were falling back into our old ways. I even invited him in. But then he asked what was happening between us—to define it. He asked me what I wanted, and the only words I could find were ‘I don’t know.’ How can I just move forward? We’ve been spending so much time getting to know who we’ve become with a fresh start that this little voice is going off in the back of my head shouting, ‘How can I know that he won’t do it again?’ I can’t go through that again. Is the happiness worth the heartache?”

  “Lauren, I’m not saying that he didn’t hurt you, but it wasn’t just all him. You didn’t fight for him,” Kate shouts, startling me. I could possibly count on only both hands the number of times Kate and I have fought, but I guess we’re not adding to that list and having it out. “I’ve known Finn just as long as you have. And from where I’m standing, you let him go, not the other way around. He’s been fighting like hell to win you back, to show how much he loves you, and for a moment, I thought he was winning. I thought you were finally ready to go all in.”

  “How can I just go all in? He was with someone else. His arm around someone else. Kissing someone else,” I throw back at her. Does she forget all of that? I can close my eyes and see it as if it happened just yesterday and not ten years ago. “When things got rough for us, he put distance between us and—”

  Kate cuts me off before I can continue. “How do you know that? You fucking ran away. You didn’t even confront him. You didn’t ask what was going on, for an explanation. I love you to death—you are my sister, my other half. We shared a fucking womb for nine months and thirty-two years of sharing since. I promise you that I will always support you, and I know I wasn’t there to witness what you saw, but for fuck’s sake, Laur, have you even talked to him about it since he returned?” The anger is radiating off my sister right now.

  I don’t make eye contact to tell her she is right. I’ve never brought it up, but you know what? Neither has he. Does he just think he could sweep it under the rug and forget about it?

  Kate exhales loudly, scraping her hands down her face. “I get why you said no, I truly do, but I don’t understand it. You and Finn have a past. There is so much of your lives intertwined together, and no matter how much you want to deny it, no one has ever compared to what you feel for Finn. Call it twin intuition, or call it whatever you want. I know you, probably better than you know yourself. So, tell me why you said ‘I don’t know.’”

  “I’m scared, okay. I’m fucking scared,” I admit loudly for the first time.

  “Of what? Being happy? Having someone who loves you unconditionally? Please help me understand
what scares you enough to not want that happily ever after that you read about in all those romance novels.”

  The tears begin to spill over, and I don’t want to hide them—not from me, not from Kate. “I’m scared of him leaving, of him walking out that door and never looking back.”

  The tears continue to fall as Kate invades my space, clutching my cheeks in her hands. Her back is straight, and her jaw is tense. If it weren’t for her about to speak, I would think that she has already ground down her back molars to nothing. “You listen and you listen good, Lauren Elizabeth Lawson. Finn. Is. Not. Dad.” Her tone then softens but is still firm. “You two have a love just like the kind you called Dani and Kyler and Zach and Haylee the night before the wedding.” She pauses for a second. “Actually, no, your love isn’t like that.”

  My shoulders deflate, and I turn my head away from hers as I guess she is now realizing that maybe we just aren’t meant to be. Kate jerks my gaze back to hers. “You and Finn have a one-of-a-kind love. Yes, you’ve had your ups and downs, and while I can’t promise that you won’t in the future, Lauren, you were given a second chance. Are you really going to just let him go? Because if you are, then maybe I don’t know you at all.” She rises from the couch and grabs her bag. “And you will spend the rest of your life regretting that.” With that she is out the door, slamming it behind her.

  I stare at the door and wonder if she’s right. Will I regret not giving us another shot?

  After my sister stormed out of my house last night, I stewed over her words. Both Kate and Kyler had to remind me that not everyone is going to leave like my dad. Finn. Is. Not. Dad.

  I pulled the memory box back out and looked over the photos from a time when we were happy. The past few weeks spending time with Finn, I was reminded of what that feeling was. I felt that again. I’ve missed talking to him. Now that he had come back into my life, these past few days without him have made me feel like the other of me has been missing. That must count for something, right? I can do this. I can open my heart to him again.

  I want Finn Reynolds, and I don’t just want him. I want a life with him. I want to face the past and move forward. I want the life we once planned to become a reality. I want my dream of marriage, kids—I want it all, and I want it with him.

  “Miss Lawson. Miss Lawson.” I shake my head. Shit, I totally dazed out while the kids were taking their test. I blink again to find Grant standing next to my desk with his test in hand.

  “Wow, done already?” I smile, taking the test out of his hands.

  He nods.

  “Okay, well, why don’t you pull a book from the shelf and read at your desk till the rest of the class finishes.”

  “Sure.” I watch Grant run to the book corner and search the books before finally deciding on one and quietly making his way back to his desk.

  I take a deep breath.

  In and out.

  In and out.

  Inhale and exhale.

  I prop my elbows on the desk and run my fingers through my hair. I’m doing this; we’re doing this. I reach into my desk and pull out my phone. I begin to type a message to him, telling him that we need to talk, but no, this is something that I need to do face-to-face. I put my phone away just as the timer goes off.

  “Okay, guys, put your pencils down and bring your test on up.” There are a few groans throughout the classroom, and I can’t hide my smile. Once all tests are gathered, I sit on my desk and cross my legs as we continue our lesson identifying living and nonliving animals until the final bell rings.

  Usually, I would stick around grading papers or tests or preparing for next week’s lesson plan, but today I have a mission. I grab my bag, leaving the thoughts of Lauren Lawson, elementary school teacher, behind and focus on Lauren Lawson, ready to call Finn mine again.

  The drive from school to Finn’s office went quicker than I thought it would, especially being a Friday afternoon.

  “Hi, I’m here to see Finn Reynolds,” I tell the receptionist sitting at the front counter. It’s been forever since I’ve been to this office, but looking around, it seems as if nothing has changed. I can’t help but smile as I recall coming here with Finn when we were younger, stopping by to visit his dad. I imagine visiting him now, bringing him lunch, maybe an office quickie. My cheeks flush as I try to compose myself.

  “I’m not sure if he is still here, but if you head right down there, you will find his secretary, and she should be able to assist you.” She points me down the long hallway to where his office is. My sweaty palms twist back and forth as my nerves gather the closer I get to the office.

  I can’t wait to see the smile on his face when I tell him I want there to be an us again. Maybe he can leave a little early and we can go celebrate properly.

  I notice that his door is open, but the light is off. Has he already left for the day? Maybe I should have called him to let him know I was coming by. But I see a petite redhead sitting at a desk in front of it.

  She looks up, bearing her perfect white smile. “Hi, can I help you?” This is Finn’s secretary? Her breasts are spilling out of her top. Definitely not office-appropriate attire in my mind. I glance down at the difference in our outfits.

  “Yeah, hi. Umm, I’m here to see Finn Reynolds.”

  Her eyes browse me up and down, and I feel a tad uncomfortable as if she is sizing me up. Her smile disappears for a moment until her mouth curls into a sneer. There is something about her that I don’t like. Does she flirt with Finn? Does she dress like that for him?

  She props her elbow up on her desk, resting her chin on top of her fist, her boobs now pushed up even farther. “I’m sorry, but Mr. Reynolds left to go back to Seattle.”

  He what? He left? She may have continued speaking, but I need to get out of here. The walls of this office are closing in on me.

  He left me—again.

  He lied—again.

  Guess the joke’s on me. I open my mouth, and somehow words are softly whispered. “Thank you.”

  I turn on my heels and run down the hallway.

  On the way out, a shadow in an open doorway catches my attention, but I keep going.

  “Lauren?” a familiar Reynolds voice shouts. Kelsey. I tilt my head to the side, ignoring her, to keep her from seeing me crying, but the tears are blurring my vision, and I’m forced to wipe them away. “Lauren? What’s wrong?” Her voice is quiet with the distance growing between us.

  I refuse to stop because she will want to talk, and I need to get out of here. Will she feel sorry for me? He left? He went back to Seattle.

  I round the corner to the elevators, thankful the front desk is empty. I press the button over and over as if it’ll make the elevator arrive faster. I guess I’ve been through enough today, and for once, the gods are on my side. Now safely in the elevator, I press the lobby button quickly, hoping that Kelsey didn’t follow me. As it descends, I rest my head back against the wall.

  How could I have been so stupid to allow him back into my life? He said once before, telling me that it would always be me, that he would never need anyone else. Lie. Why did I believe anything else out that came out of his mouth after that? He clearly had no intention of sticking around. Messing with my feelings must have been a joke. Was this all payback for saying no?

  He said that night at my house that he needed to go back to tell her that he loved her, and I guess I just got caught up in the moment to believe that it had been me, but he went back to Seattle without telling me. I think I was wrong. I hope he is happy.

  My phone vibrates on the coffee table for the third time this evening. I pick it up next to the half-drank bottle of cabernet sauvignon that I had picked up on the ride home. My sister’s face and name appear on the screen—not Finn’s. Why would he call now? I wasn’t worth a phone call before he left; why would he call after?

  “I know you didn’t bitch button me.”

  “Don’t feel like talking.”

  Kate enters the house. I seriously think about
taking her key back. I glance over my shoulder with the wineglass in hand. Kate stops walking, and her eyes widen. “What’s wrong?”

  “What makes you think something’s wrong?” I snicker before taking another sip of the wine.

  The couch dips as Kate takes a seat next to me, but I ignore her.

  She takes the wine from my hand, and I reach for the bottle on the table instead.

  “Seriously? What the hell is going on? Do I need to bring in reinforcements?” Kate stands, looking down on me with the glass in one hand and the bottle in the other. She scrunches her brows, causing wrinkles to form between them, and her jaw is taut. This must be what I look like when I raise my voice at my students.

  My defenses are up, and I am not in the mood for company. “Finn’s gone,” I say just above a whisper.

  “What?” she gasps, setting the bottle and the glass down on the table as she retakes a seat next to me, this time closer.

  Jackpot. I leaned forward, gripping the bottle tightly in my hand so she can’t pry it out of my hands. “Yep, he went back to Seattle without a word.” I bring the glass to my lips and savor the rich liquid as it goes down my throat, finishing the glass before slamming it on the table. Luckily, it didn’t break.

  “I don’t understand. If Finn left without telling you, then how do you know?”

  I rise to my feet, full of emotion—anger, hurt, sadness. I throw my head back in laughter, but more of the I can’t believe I let this happen way, not a funny ha-ha laugh.

  “See, I couldn’t get our conversation out of my head, and I had convinced myself that we could do this, that we could give ourselves the happily ever after. I went to his office today to tell him that. I wanted us to be an us again. I wanted him back in my life, not just as my friend. I wanted all of him. And you know what he did? He left. I clearly meant so much to him that he up and left—again.”

  I look around the room and focus on the bookshelf full of romance novels—ones that feed you the bullshit that people get second chances when they are meant to be. A load of shit if you ask me.